I joined this church regularly when I entered NUS. I thank God for the Foundation classes, because through them, I learned what it meant to live a Christ-centred life. I also began to serve in church and took on various roles. But the older I grew as a Christian, the more I realised how much of a sinner I am. Yes, my knowledge of God’s word grew, and I knew what I had to do, and what I shouldn’t do, yet as Rom 7:15 says, the good that I want to do, I do not do; but what I hate, I do it instead. In fact, I only saw more of my weakness, more of my sins. I learned what it means by Eph 2:8-9, that ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.’ I am not saved because I serve in Church, because of the kind works I do, or because of my attempts to be a good and responsible daughter or citizen. God saves me because of His love for me, and He demonstrated that when while I am still a sinner, Christ died for me.
Living with Jesus Christ as my Lord, I had to be what I hated most: i.e. to be weak. There were many times that I felt like giving up on the responsibilities entrusted to me because I felt totally incompetent in those tasks. Or even to love and live as Christ did, because it just wasn’t my nature. I had been so used to relying upon my own abilities and strength, that when I couldn’t do things based on my own abilities, I felt like dying, because of that dreaded feeling of weakness. But then I realised that actually that is what the Lord wants me to be all along, which is to die. For He said that anyone would to come after Him, He must take up the Cross daily, deny oneself and follow Him. That denying of self is to die, i.e. to relinquish the position on the throne of my life and instead to let Christ rule. And also according to 2 Cor. 12:9, His power is made perfect in weakness, and when I am weak, then I am strong. I struggled with this truth, in fact I still do. Yet, I know that the many times that I experience His power working through me were when I was weak, and that’s when I depended on Him.
John 6:66-69 narrates the episode where many of Jesus’ disciples turned back and no longer followed Him because of his difficult teachings. And Jesus asked His twelve disciples, ‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ Simon Peter answered Him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.’ If Jesus would to ask me this question, I would reply in the same way as Peter did. ‘O Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life.’ There were times in my life that I contemplated on turning back. But I never did. Because His grace kept me; because there is no one else whom I can turn, and now there is no one else that I would want to turn to. God is so good, so faithful, so wise, and so lovely. I love Him, and so I made the decision to be baptised with Christ Jesus, to be buried with Him that I may live with Him, to be in union with Christ, my Saviour and my Lord.