I made a mistake at work recently.
So who doesn’t? But God divinely used it to humble me and to reveal my sins and weaknesses so that I can repent. The mistake at work was an amoral lapse, but the issues that God surfaced through that uncovered the condition of my heart.
My first instinct when the issue emerged was to cover up. So what? Big deal, many people would think of covering up. But I despaired when I realised that covering up was my first reaction. Aren’t I supposed to be a child of God, filled with integrity and truth? Why did I think of covering up as my first resort? But my heart leaned to deceit instead of truth at first beat. That’s the wicked inclination of my heart. It almost seemed as though my old sins had caught up with me: when I was in Primary One, I lied to get my way out of doing homework. It seemed that this bondage of sin was still enslaving me.
Subsequent to the birth of deceit was fear. The more I thought of the mistake, the more I feared. I feared the words of man, the consequences that I would have to bear, and I would imagine the worst of every possible outcome. That’s the power of fear, magnifying every dread and terror, and I had a great deal of fear dwelling in me. It was then that I realised how much the approval of men mattered to me, perhaps more than the fear of God.
God just broke me in my pride. I felt I no longer had reason for any confidence in the flesh because I couldn’t trust myself, this deceitful and proud self, anymore. For the days that followed, I could only go through every day, praying moment by moment, asking Him for leading and strength. I told God to give me a breather in the midst of His discipline because I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore.
A few months ago, I asked God to break my pride. This episode was His answer to my prayer.
But it was a good thing that He broke me. In fact, if there was an opportunity to choose (as if God gives such opportunities), I would let the mistake happen so that God can humble me. This sounds really stupid, but yes, I would rather be disciplined by Him and transformed than to be unchanged. Because I’m His child, He sanctifies me. Through it all, I was affirmed that He loves me very, very much, too much to allow pride to blemish my life. For this, I’m grateful.