Swirling thoughts

I have a love-hate relationship with change. I would love to change because I cannot imagine myself doing what I do for the next 30 years of my life. I hate to change because I am afraid of the unknown. Actually, since I started thinking about some things stirred up in me before and after a trip, I see that I’m really a very timid person. I have so many insecurities and fears residing in me even though I try to look brave and even sometimes reckless.

I thought I am a wise person. I couldn’t be more wrong. A wise person would know what she wants, right? I don’t know what I want. Many times, I tell people, I know what I don’t want, but I don’t know what I want. OK, so that is in response to the question on vocation. But I find my mind just staying on that area. But life is more than just work, and I need to think beyond work.

I need to dream more for God. At this age, my dreams are of having a man who would love me for the rest of my life and a family to raise. But I dream so little for God’s kingdom. But God has planted a thought in me, and it needs time to grow and sprout.

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