For the second day in a row, I woke up with the tremors of anxiety in my body.
The uncertainty of vocation loomed before me. As much as I tried to reassure myself that I have the skills to stay in my current career as well as the aptitude to forge a new one, I didn’t find immediate peace.
In desperation, I prayed for God to remove the anxiety. I started packing my room to take my mind off the recurring thoughts. I searched for articles on finding confidence.
Then I stumbled upon one which called out 2 Corinthians 12:9a
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness
I asked myself, do you remember when you had felt weak?
“Yes, I do.” Then my tears couldn’t stop flowing.
There was an episode many years back where, after a mistake at work, I had lost confidence in performing my job. I couldn’t bring myself to turn on the laptop in the morning; the ringing of the office phone would trigger uncertainty; every drafted email was read and re-read before I hit ‘send’. After an agonising sleepless night, I turned in my resignation letter to my boss to take responsibility for my error. In his kindness, he rejected it and explained that the mistake, while silly, wasn’t as serious as it seemed.
In those moments of weakness, His Presence was most real. At the end of each day, I thanked Him for the strength and grace granted each day; I grasped His promises and His word comforted me; when I shared vulnerably with my church mates on my struggles, they prayed with me. In my weakness, He revealed His Power as the God of my today and tomorrow.
I had told myself: as much as I treasure this experience with God, where He drew me so close to Him, I don’t want to be weak again.
I don’t want to contend again with the sense of a lack of control.
I don’t want to live with this unnerving uncertainty.
But here I am again.
As I recall this period in my life, I shed tears of gratefulness. I’ve no doubt that God will sustain me and carry me through this new testing.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9b-10
Here I am, boasting in my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. I can’t say now that I delight in my weakness but I know that He promises His grace, power and strength.